Responsibility: An Essential Part of Healing
“Though I am not always responsible for what happens to me, I am responsible for how I handle what happens to me.” Zig Ziglar
Life is full of beauty and suffering. To be a healthy, functioning adult, we need the ability to solve problems and take care of ourselves. If we allow it, our problems can easily consume us. This can take the form of self-pity, blaming others, ruminating on past mistakes, neglecting self-care, or hurting others and using our own pain to justify it. Therapy should be a safe place to share your struggles and your pain. However, it must go beyond receiving compassion and understanding. The ultimate goal of therapy is to equip individuals with the knowledge and coping skills necessary to regulate their emotions, manage everyday challenges, and live with meaning and purpose.
What does it mean to take responsibility?
Taking responsibility means developing one’s awareness of how they contribute to their problems. This may involve exploring one’s role in interpersonal conflict or identifying behaviors that are worsening functioning, such as abusing substances, avoiding family and friends, or staying home from work or school. In the context of therapy, it means scheduling and keeping appointments, showing up on time, and actively participating in sessions. It also means practicing what is learned in-between appointments. There needs to be a willingness to accept feedback and to consider changes that need to be made.
What gets in the way of taking responsibility?
It can be extremely difficult and painful to take responsibility. When we suffer, it is human instinct to look for someone or something to blame. If we have been traumatized or abused, then, there is someone to blame for inflicting that pain on us. But the reality is, we are still responsible for how our life plays out after that. Some people engage in black and white thinking regarding compassion and taking responsibility. It may seem like asking someone to take ownership for their life lacks compassion. However, the opposite is true. Real compassion involves being truthful about what it takes to really heal. If we stay stuck in processing the pain, there is no way to move forward from there. Sometimes, staying focused on the pain serves a function, often outside of our conscious awareness. Perhaps it feels comfortable and familiar or safer than the unknown. If we continue to blame someone else for our problems, then we can avoid taking the difficult steps needed to make a change.
How taking responsibility leads to healing
Although taking responsibility can be painful, it allows us to take our power back and to start looking for solutions. We shift from an external locus of control (the belief that our success and outcomes are determined by external forces such as luck or fate) to an internal locus of control (the belief that one’s decisions and actions directly impact their outcome). If we develop the belief that we have some influence over our lives, it helps instill a sense of hope and optimism. It can increase our motivation and build resilience.
"Until you accept responsibility for your life, someone else runs your life." — Orrin Woodward
We can choose to try to create a sense of meaning and purpose out of our suffering. For example, someone who is grieving over a loss may be able to comfort someone else who is grieving. Experiencing failure can help us learn valuable lessons that lead to greater success in the future. Suffering can turn into bitterness if we focus on blaming others. Alternatively, it can lead to gratitude, wisdom, and growth.
Related Posts:
The Impact of Unforgiveness on Mental Health
Flexible Thinking for Relationship Improvement
If you are struggling with lack of agency and hopelessness, I’d love to help. Feel free to contact me at 630-570-0095 or email at drpamheilman@heilmanps.com.
If you experience a life-threatening emergency or become concerned about the ability to keep yourself or others safe, visit your nearest emergency room or call 9-1-1. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you may call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 9-8-8 to talk to a trained professional.
The content on this website is meant for informational purposes only and is not intended to take the place of mental health diagnosis and treatment. All information is provided on an "as is" basis. Heilman Psychological Services, PLLC does not assume responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions that may occur.
