The Impact of Forgiveness on Mental Health

Factors that Influence Forgiveness

Forgiveness can be challenging to discuss in therapy. In my work with clients, the topic of forgiveness frequently comes up. The reality is, if we want to sustain any relationship, we will need to have the ability to forgive. We hurt each other in big and small ways through judgments, misunderstandings, betrayals, and criticisms. Unfortunately, many people endure some form of abuse in their lives whether it be physical, psychological, or emotional. A common misconception about forgiveness is that it means excusing unacceptable behavior and then continuing with the relationship. If a pattern of unhealthy or abusive behavior persists, then it would be unwise to continue in the relationship. However, this does not mean it is impossible to forgive. It can also make a significant difference if the offender recognizes and takes accountability for their behavior. Forgiveness is a personal journey, and it is entirely up to each individual to decide whether they are willing to forgive. Here are some things to consider.

Reasons for Not Forgiving

Clients often express to me that they simply cannot forgive. They may state that it is too hard, or the offense feels too big, or they endured the behavior for far too long. Additionally, clients describe feeling that forgiveness would mean allowing the offender to hurt them again. I can certainly empathize. Forgiving can be extremely difficult, even if the offender apologizes or attempts to make amends. One thing I ask people to consider is how hard it has been to keep holding onto anger about something that cannot be changed. Unfortunately, lack of forgiveness is most damaging to the person that was hurt. It is like opening an old wound over and over again and then wondering why it never heals properly.

“Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.”

~ often attributed to Nelson Mandela

How Unforgiveness Can Affect Our Mental Health

Many emotions can be associated with unforgiveness such as anger, sadness, resentment, disappointment and feeling betrayed. When we hold onto unforgiveness, the situation remains unresolved. It often results in broken relationships and suppressed emotions. Instead of addressing the issue, people may engage in self-destructive behaviors such as abusing alcohol or drugs, ruminating, or rehashing the situation repeatedly to the point that it damages other relationships. Given the strong mind-body connection, unforgiveness can also take a toll on physical health. Chronic anger and resentment can result in the body frequently going into fight-or-flight mode which can affect heart health and the immune system over time. (Johns Hopkins Medicine, 2025). Unforgiveness often contributes to increased anxiety and depression. When we fixate on how someone has hurt us, it can exacerbate negative thoughts about self, other people, and the world. This makes it extremely challenging to move forward and live a life that we value.

Unresolved anger is likely to spill over into other relationships and situations. People often express to me that they have difficulty trusting others because of how they have been hurt. It can also be challenging to feel connected with others when holding onto hurts from the past. Carrying resentment tends to affect a person’s sense of self-worth. If someone feels constantly resentful or angry, it can make them question their ability to manage their emotions. They are also less likely to be forgiving of themselves. Alternatively, if we offer others grace, we are more likely to be able to do that for ourselves.

Working Towards Forgiveness

Processing and Perspective-taking

It is important to realize that forgiveness is not just based on a single decision, rather it is a process. Forgiveness starts by first acknowledging what happened and the impact of the behavior. In some cases, it can be helpful to consider the offender’s perspective and what their life was like at the time of the offense. The purpose is not to condone the behavior; rather it is to try to gain an understanding of what influenced it. It is also helpful to consider one’s potential role in the conflict. Sometimes we misinterpret situations which can lead to feeling hurt and resentful (See my previous blog on Flexible Thinking for Relationship Improvement for more information).

Acceptance

Acceptance is an important part of forgiveness. People often stay stuck when they dwell on the fact that the offense should not have happened. Acceptance means recognizing the behavior happened and while it was hurtful, it cannot be changed. It means choosing to let it go and striving to live a peaceful life. Acceptance is not just a mindset. It involves taking daily actions and living a life that we value. Furthermore, it means no longer engaging in behaviors that maintain unforgiveness, such as rumination or rehashing the event with others.

Reconciliation

Part of forgiveness involves considering whether reconciliation is desired and appropriate. If so, it would be important to address how to start this process. This involves learning healthy ways to communicate about the impact of the offense. Dependent upon the circumstances, couples or family therapy may be recommended.

Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is an essential part of any relationship. If we choose to forgive someone and continue the relationship, we will need to set clear limits and discuss what behaviors will or will not be tolerated. In many situations, as mentioned earlier, an individual may decide they do not want to continue the relationship. This would involve setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries for self and the offender. For instance, if a person has ended a romantic relationship in which they were emotionally abused, they might set a boundary for themselves to no longer communicate with their ex-partner and request that person stop contacting them. A common behavior that can increase resentment and unforgiveness is to continue communicating with someone even though we know it is not a healthy relationship. People can stay stuck in unforgiveness when they fail to adhere to their boundaries. The excuse that is often used is the desire for closure. True, healthy closure does not need to involve the other person. It comes from making peace with what has happened, working on forgiveness, and moving forward.

Cultural Impact on Forgiveness

In today’s cultural climate, it has become more common to have conflict with family and friends over differences of opinion and to then cut off the relationship. While sometimes this is unavoidable, unfortunately, this decision is often made out of emotion and not enough information. Something that can be helpful to consider is this, “If I end up being wrong about this, will I be okay with how I handled this situation?” “Is this worth ending the relationship?”

Final Note

Life is challenging. Having the ability to work through difficulties in our relationships is essential for our wellbeing. Forgiveness helps strengthen our relationship with ourselves and others.  

 References:

“Forgiveness, Your Health Depends on it.” Johns Hopkins Medicine. Retrieved from: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it

 If you or someone you know is struggling with forgiveness, I’d love to help. Feel free to contact me at 630-570-0095 or email at drpamheilman@heilmanps.com.

 If you experience a life-threatening emergency or become concerned about the ability to keep yourself or others safe, visit your nearest emergency room or call 9-1-1. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you may call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 9-8-8 to talk to a trained professional.

The content on this website is meant for informational purposes only and is not intended to take the place of mental health diagnosis and treatment. All information is provided on an "as is" basis. Heilman Psychological Services, PLLC does not assume responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions that may occur.